7:28 pm

I am the only one who supports my emotions/feelings (if we can even say that) but I don’t even know how to do that so I think I am pretty tired. I’m drained. trying to understand and debunk my feeling and reactions when I don’t understand and then when I think that maybe I am, I invalidate myself in someway. It just doesnt make sense to me and i need it to make sense. I almost feel irrational even if I’m not. I unfortunately don’t give myself much time to process things, either, I have noticed. I definitely need to give myself more time to reregulate or truthfully to go home, but I am being counted on, I need to be okay. I don’t think I can take breaks for feelings I can't even understand. I have to be responsible and show up consistently, so I can't waste time crying and being upset over something I don’t even know what. I need to get back to work, smile on my face, and keep it pushing. Not to mention, to be caught slipping, is to know your going to be talked about. I mean at least I am learning to read between the lines of text messages so if you don’t reply to something I asked or said or replied to something else, they are saying no. I thought that would save my emotions in some way but it doesn’t because all I wonder is why. Why do people text me but not answer my previous text or questions, did I do something, say something? And everyone says it doesn’t matter, no one else cares, its not that serious. In my head it is, because I’m confused. I can’t understand the sudden change of energy or whatever. If you never liked me to begin with that would of be fine too. To be honest, I figure as much people just pretend to like me for the time of being with me and then when it's time for me to go they switch up. Like they say all these nice things for the time being to keep the peace but don’t actually mean it. Maybe I should just think everyone doesn’t me and then I'd be fine, but I usually think people don’t anyway, or maybe just not talk as much, then my feelings wont be as hurt later. I am finding it harder and harder to believe what people say about me and to me when they don’t talk to me once I’m like gone if that makes sense, idk. like you don’t actually think I’m funny or nice or bubbly or whatever else. You actually don't like that I talk a lot and think my energy is too much. Used to that, heard it before, and it's how people truly feel about me but they fake it till they make it to the end with me. Anyways, it sucks because I always mean it. very hard for me not to like someone, even when you send me into fight or flight. It's just then I may need more time to warm back up but it's not you its my nervous system not ready for you yet. I wanna stop feeling like the only one that loves me and supports me and has to keep me afloat, I want to ask for help and rest and it not seem like im a failure or quitting or that I am lazy. I want to be and feel loved and supported, not hated and scolded.