11:55 am

It’s a weird thing completing these certifications, because I would love to train people one-on-one, and I know I would be great at that. I also know I would be great at teaching group classes, but it scares me to be in front of that many people and lead them, especially those my age and older. As I think about it, I have no issue leading kids. Maybe it is because I feel they are less judgmental and perceive me a bit less. I don’t know, but the idea of it makes me very nervous. Everyone says I would be great at it. I took a class in college, and my professor Storm even said I would do amazing as a fitness instructor.

What if I forget something or fumble over my words? I have taken classes where that happens, and I don’t judge, or everyone has a little laugh, and the instructor continues. But the idea of that happening to me, me forgetting or fumbling my words, messing up the order, all human but something I think I would do every single time.

And you have to audition for this stuff now sometimes, and that is also terrifying and frustrating. The idea that between me and a job is my social anxiety. My heart can’t seem to catch a break when having to perform or speak in front of people. I talk too fast. I tend to shake. You could call me a nervous wreck, but I don’t like perception. It makes me nervous. I think it is cause I am trying the best I can, but for some reason it doesn’t feel good enough, like people will still be mean about it and have something not so nice to say.

I mean, I am going to do it, but I am scared. A lot of new faces. A lot of new eyes. A lot of judgment to come.